cigarette for a companion

Someone once told me that people smoke because they are lonely. I believe it is quite true. I like the idea of smoking, maybe I'm immature that's why, but still whenever I need a break, also from everyone I can just walk out and smoke. 
Not much is going on, exam in 4 days. 
Huge amount of memories coming back, first because I'm at my parents home, where my ex was coming a lot. In Rome I have my space, in here my space is filled with my past, photos, objects, little colour hearts I painted on my roof. Second because yesterday I talked to my friend. The relation between me and him is strange but I love it. We know each other since elementary school, we were once together, we slept with each other more than once, but always we seem to go back to the same point where we just love spending time with each other, fooling around and just be normal. He is in Canada now, I haven't seen him for over a year now. I wish I could meet him, go somewhere and make the most stupid things and runaway as fast as we can, laugh and just relax. Yeah it would be nice.
I'm going out for a smoke.

someone,

Waking up with a massive headache and cold realization that I'm alone. I guess some things in my life just don't work out the way I want them to. Each time I meet this guy I feel great, and happy and smiling, just to be around him. And each time I come home after this, I keep getting worse. My mind just doesn't let me be. I think over and over the same situations and see the images in my head. At that point I want to punch myself because of how naive and stupid I am. I can't get over it. 


I want someone to be near me, I want someone ...

again. and again and again

You know how they tell you that you have to repeat and repeat, do something over and over again, and in the end you will come to perfection. Well this doesn't really apply to people and feelings. There is a saying that human is the only animal that will commit the same mistake twice. Sounds familiar doesn't it?
I assured myself of being naive more times then it is enough, and still I cannot get over it. 
When I broke up with my ex, each time I was coming home I was visualizing him in front of my door, waiting for me, and each time this thought was coming to me I was telling myself, look how stupid you are, there is no one here, and you know he will never come, you are so naive. 
Somehow my brain just wants to make me feel more miserable, its going on fast without me even thinking about with new scenarios of things that may happen, there is this guy, with whom I slept, and who in fact I like, but he doesn't want anything from me, I happen to spend around 2 or 3 hours today with him sitting, waiting around for exam results and at one point that barrier that was created between us because of this queer situation started to melt, in the end we were just normal and I was happy about it, but when I came home I realized that I cannot study or concentrate again (!) because my imagination is somewhere far away from here. There is most likely something wrong with me. I'm telling you.


In the last few days in breaks between cigarettes, redbull & studying like crazy I had these thought about love. I know it may sound big and all but I just want to tell you my definition of love. First I realized it is impossible to fall in love, I mean you can be attracted to someone, you can like them, spending time with but you cannot be in love unless you know that person well and there's some kind of connection between you- this is when you fall in love ( it's like a first step in long pathway, usually the most exciting period), then after having a relationship you can fall in love, as I did. Long time ago, well maybe not very long but long enough, being in love for me was safety. In all possible definitions, I knew that he was for me, I could call him, cry with him, be myself, I didn't have to hind anything. I was happy. I wanted to be good to him. But after a time other emotions came into the game, and suddenly everything fell apart into small pieces, we stuck them together but obviously not for long, another year, in which slowly each piece was falling down, and we seemed to not notice it, and just pass by.

wishful thinking

I wanted to be love. But that's where it ended - wishful thinking.

There's not much going on, actually nothing is going on. Exam after exam, all we talk about are exams, I even dream about exams at night, it's insane.

A friend I haven't seen for over a year is coming to Rome, so I'm quite happy to see her.

I want someone to be close. I don't want sex, I mean it's not about sex. I want him to kiss me and hug me and bring me breakfast to bed, and talk and study together and go to the beach. I want someone. I talked to my gay friend M. yesterday. Do we all feel the same at one point ?

i.must.study

I had a revelation today. I have to quit smoking because each time I smoke it makes me feel slightly dizzy ( and I really like it) but it means my brain is getting not enough oxygen, as hemoglobin is blocked by CO, so in the end I realized that my brain can't work properly when I smoke! Yeah this is what med school caused I find a medical explanation for most of the things that happen in my life, especially when it comes to alcohol consumption. Yesterday I told my friend to be spontaneous like a chemical reaction. o.O yes it feels weird to be consumed by the medical world.

I want to find a new apartment and move in with my friend already, I can't stand being alone any more. 

In July I will probably go for the Heineken Open'er festival in Poland, as I go there every year. I hope it will be fun. The only thing that keeps me studying right now ( except the breaks for food and posts) is that in the end I can say "suck it fuckers, I'm better than you" - am I bitch? or is it a problem with self esteem?

and the thought that when I'm done, the only thing I will do is lie in the sun and sleep, and I really love to sleep <3

personal space

Studying in bed results in no studying mode. Or ten minute breaks every ten minutes... Yes so my exam is on Tuesday and I seem to lack any motivation to study after 4 pm.., 


My friend made me realize something, like a second ago. When I broke up with my boyfriend ( we were together for nearly 4 years together, let's say it was a really serious relationship, soon we were suppose to live together), or rather we separated. I wasn't able to sleep in my own bed, too many memories were coming back each second. For a month I slept on the couch whenever I came home. In rome it was different. Rome was my place from the start, he came here only once and didn't leave too many thoughts behind. Personal space is important. Doesn't matter if it's a bed, a tree house or simply a bench in a park. Each one of us requires personal space, to run away from everything. Because sometimes running away isn't weakness, it is a pause to gather energy and strength. 


I want to have my car already, I would just go anywhere, just for couple of hours. 40 minutes out of rome and I could find peace at sea side. I feel I run too much in my life, but I like it. I like to get  away from everything and everyone, all those people pissing me off. 

moments

A note I found on my phone, the morning after I spend the night with B. the guy who is 2000 km away from me and with whom I somehow meet once in a year and we start this game between each other we attract each other. Like magnets, when we are far away everything is normal but whenever we come closer to each other attraction starts and its hard to stop until in one moment everything just breaks and usually I run away.

24/05/12 11.38 am:

moments leak through my fingers, one night, one hour, everything is just passing by. and so many feelings and so many moments, so many kisses and so many words. Each kiss, each touch and word has a meaning and relates to previous moments and emotions. Some relate to love, some care, others are like an obvious promise of forthcoming caress and new stories that will happen. Soon. 

It's not love. But I cannot find words to describe it. Closer